Way back into love

About a week ago during a tea session my boss said that in his opinion girls handled the matters of the heart much better than boys as they are emotionally stronger. I have on the other hand have always thought that boys are more practical than girls which gives them a certain edge.

If my boss is right then how do you explain all the tears shed by heartbroken girls?

If I am not wrong then why do I find some guys almost becoming direction less in life?

I suppose one cannot simply label it as a boys versus girl scenario. Afterall we are individuals with our own ways of coping with everything bad that love brings. Some people when grieving hide under a shell. Some immerse themselves deeply into work. Some are just unable to function while some keep on acting as if everything is fine.

Our reactions may all be different but there's a wish which everybody has in common... its the wish to find a way back into love. As much as it scares us we still hope for there to be someone who will make our return journey worth it. :)

Here is a song which very simply and beautifully talks about all this.

Film: Music and Lyrics

Music: Adam Schlesinger

Lyrics: Adam Schlesinger

Singers: Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Refresher course (2)

This is second in the series of my attempt at adding something more to a few of my old posts. The following are two of the updated versions.

1. Hoping against hope: Click on the title to go to the post. The original post was titled "Don't lose hope" and contained quotes, dialogues and poems on the same topic. I've changed it more or less. The old one is kept as it is below the new version.

2. Fun tag: Click on the title to see the post. As the title says this was a fun tag where each song was picked randomly to answer some questions. I have added comments for every song to make some meaning out of the nonsense. :p

Family matters

I was recently asked how important is the involvement of a family when it comes to a marriage. If a boy and girl like each other and want to get married then does it matter if they don't get along well with each other's families?

My personal take on it is that if after marriage you are all going to live together under one roof then yes it would make a difference. You wouldn't feel much happiness amidst an atmosphere of discord and bitterness. Even otherwise, wouldn't you want your life partner to care for those who've taken care of you all your life? And wouldn't you want your family in return to love the one you love so much?

Taare Zameen Par and a chat

There is a scene in the film Taare Zameen Par in which it is diwali and everyone except Ishaan is celebrating. Some kids tease him saying that since he is being sent to boarding school he must be feeling very scared. Ishaan is in tears and its evident that it really is so. But to prove the boys wrong he picks up a cracker and lights it in his hand and shouts "Mujhe darr nahi lagta!".

The reason because of which this scene stayed with me was because it reminded me of a chat I had with a friend a long time ago. We were discussing how almost all of us have two different faces. One which cries when hurt and another by which we project ourselves as cool and strong however difficult the situation.

Whenever our second face takes charge we are able to refrain from confessing to anyone how unprepared and inadequate we may be feeling at that moment to solve our problems. Despite our misgivings we are willing to bear the albatross alone as we do not wish to take any help which we believe would be a sign of weakness. But there are instances when we do break down and end up giving others a peek into our true emotions. My friend said that this happens because we are unable to keep the two faces separate.

Is it really possible to keep the two sides independent of each other? Wouldn't one of them always dominate us?

What would happen if we could master this art? Would it give us an edge over others? Would we still be real or become artificial?

Why me?

This is one question which we end up asking ourselves when facing some very tough situations in life. We question God for putting us through our ordeal.

I'd read in a book that God does not like to get into an argument. He will never answer the question "Why me?" The author went on to say that the right the question is not "Why do bad things happen?" but "What happens to people when bad things happen to them?"

Do they take a turn for worse? Do they lose faith? Or do they rise above all of it?

I've often said (to myself) that when we do not question anything good happening to us, then we should not complain about the bad either. We should think of the darkest of days as challenges thrown at us by life which we should not fear facing head on.

What becomes of us following turbulent times is a reflection of our character and strength.

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PS: Read this really nice story It's all in your response put as a post by Vibgyor.

Success stories

Everyday while commuting the 10 minutes distance by road from my home to NCL I see hundreds of people. Many live in luxurious apartments and many more have an impoverished existence. But does this mean that only the ones with wealth are accomplished?


What about those people who struggle everyday but never give up? And those who continually work for a better future even while knowing they may never reach dizzying heights?

What about the father who always puts his family's needs before his own desires? And the ailing mother who forgetting her pain is always planning for her children?

What about the son whose eyes never miss his parents' selfless acts and does everything possible to fulfil their dreams? What about the daughter who when the time requires takes on all the responsibilities on her not so broad shoulders?


All these might not make to prime time news but aren't these success stories as well?

India questions

Today I saw a program India Questions on NDTV in which the studio audience was putting up questions to our ex-President APJ Kalam. Two points were raised which set me thinking.

First one was that whether making a bomb hampers world peace. My answer is it doesn't. What I feel is that today its all about protecting our country. India simply cannot remain emptyhanded while other nations go about arming themselves. We cannot act all naive and foolishly assume that we'll never be attacked. We have to be prepared for any eventuality. If and when the time comes we should be able to defend our country. We know from 100 years of experience how difficult regaining lost freedom is. If giving up weapons amounted to world peace then why haven't countries dissolved their armed forces as well?

Another question that was asked was if he believed in death sentence. Kalam said he didn't think that he had the right to take away someone's life and so was against it. But then what about other forms of punishment? In view of Kalam's philosophy what right does one human (a judge) have to put another human (a criminal) behind bars for 14 years? On the flip side wouldn't crime thrive and terror reign supreme if we didn't have any policing and judicial system? Like Daddy said, when I raised these points before him, these questions have always struck us men and women but in all these years we haven't been able to come up with conclusive answers to them.

Hoping against hope

I have used the phrase "hoping against hope" innumerable times all through school, college and now as I am doing my Ph.D. Even in the worst case scenario I preferred to imagine that something good would happen, I preferred to believe till the last minute that whatever was not working would suddenly start functioning again and that eventually everything would just fall into place. Hoping for the best is what kept me going.

Can one completely lose hope?
Is it really difficult to get back the lost hope?
Why aren't some people able to make a U-turn after reaching a dead end?

In the last few years I have come across quite a few headlines in papers giving the news of an IIT student committing suicide. It saddens me to learn that these young kids chose to embrace death instead of life.

I can speak for myself and I am sure many would agree that we've had an easier life than our parents. We didn't have to give tuition to fund our education. We were never made to take care of the household and look after our brothers and sisters when we were in school. We didn't have to walk miles to reach our colleges. How many of our wishes were not granted by our parents?

May be we've had it too easy that at the very first instance of hard luck coming our way we begin to crumble. Whatever happened to that age old mantra of "if you try and don't succeed try, try again"?

We must remind ourselves like the dialogue from The Shawshank Redemption that "hope is a good thing" and we don't need any courage to hold on to it. Infact holding on to hope gives you the courage needed to face the future.

Deadlock

A few weeks back I found myself unable to decide between two choices. My heart was set on one thing while my mind was telling me to do the exact opposite. One second I'd feel like following my heart and the next second the brain. I just wasn't being able to figure out which way to go.

It was like a deadlock.

The Dalai Lama in the book The Art of Happiness says that in such situations you should ask yourself "what is going to give me pleasure?" If doing one thing is going to make you happy while the other option will leave you discontent then it becomes obvious which road one should take.

This one simple question helps you decide what you want to keep in your life and what you should discard... an easy way for removing all the clutter.

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PS: I am putting below the post that I had written originally. The criticism for it wasn't well received initially. :p Quite some time has passed since then. And so I decided to take it up again. I am hoping that I get better comments for the second attempt. :)
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I was just wondering why does confusion arise. Is it because of us having two minds or two hearts at the same time?

I think if we were functioning only with our brains or only our hearts then decision making would probably be an easy task. We might not be taking the correct decisions but atleast we'll be able to arrive at some conclusion.

Its really when the mind and the heart affect us simultaneously that it becomes diffcult to make a choice as both pull us in opposite directions. Whether you go this way or that you just don't get it right. Whatever you do, you don't feel any satisfaction and contentment.

This situation is what is called a deadlock.

One constant complaint

News items!!

Heard some news stories lately which caught my attention and it looks line that only women are creating headlines these days!!

First one of them was about Shilpa Shetty being bestowed an honorary doctorate by the Metropolitan Leeds University for her outstanding contribution to cultural diversity. An honorary degree is conferred those who have put in years of efforts and created a mark for themselves in various fields be it theatre, art, literature or science. Shilpa Shetty however, has got this degree purely on the basis of her current wave of popularity. She did not even accept that she had faced racial discrimation on the Big Brother show. She even reverted from her very first reaction of "yeh kuch zyada ho gaya" to Richard Gere's action on stage. Since when has going for some functions in England, meeting Tony Blair at a gala event and getting a role in a musical constitute an outstanding contribution? If Universities will go on awarding doctorates to the undeserving then what regard will we continue to hold for a Ph.D.? Students have to put in years of hard work doing research as part of getting a doctorate. Why should Shilpa Shetty be handed this simply on a platter?


The other news item that took me by surprise was the release of Monica Bedi. What was worse was her being celeberated as a star in her village and hindi film directors saying that Monica's tryst with jail should not be the reason for not casting her in a movie. There are people with scripts ready to form queues outside her abode!! How come they didn't spot her talent earlier on?

Last week during one of our lab treats the discussion of Pratibha Patil was opened. This was before the Saturday election. India having a first woman president sounds really good. But shouldn't the honour have gone to someone having the same stature as Dr Radhakrishnan, the first male president of our country? I was watching her interview on Doordarshan that was telecast a day after the results were announced. Pratibha Patil was asked how she was feeling after becoming the President of India. She answered "bahut harsh ho raha hai" minus any emotion conveying the happiness and excitement. A recent Times of India editorial suggested that she could spend her time at the Rashtrapati Bhavan by gardening. I do agree that the President does not have a role in the governance of our country. But that does not mean that the man or woman occupying that post has no importance. In crunch time will Pratibha Patil be able to stand her own ground? I hope she ends up making more consequential decisions than a switch from dosas to uttapams in the breakfast menu.

Cigarette: how is it injurious?

The other day I happened to remember a Dev Anand song from the movie Hum Dono:

Main zindagi ka saath nibhaata chala gaya
Har fikr ko dhooyen mein udhata chala gaya

The second line means "every tension I went on puffing away in a smoke". This and a recent post on Gurveen's blog made me come up with a question.

What are the ingredients of a cigarette?

It turns out a cigarette contains 599 additive and just over 4000 chemical compounds are created when it is burnt!

Quitsmokinghub.com has listed some of these harmful chemicals and their ill effects. Arsenic, benzene, chromium, nickel, vinyl chloride, aminobiphenyl, 2-naphthylamine, cadmium, N-nitrosodiethylamine, N-nitrosopyrrolidine, N-nitrosodiethanolamine are the ingredients that can lead to cancer. Breathing ammonia can cause asthma. Acrolein, pyridine, nickel, cadmium and catechol are reponsible for respiratory diseases. The nicotine, carbon monoxide, hydrogen cyanide and toluene that are present can cause dizziness, nausea and headaches.

It is nicotine which makes the cigarette addictive. Did you know that it is ranked above alcohol, cocaine and heroin as the drug with the highest severity of dependence? Nicotine travels all the way to the brain via the lungs and blood stream. The brain is the actual site of addiction!! For those who smoke I wonder if they know that when they breathe in nicotine they are actually taking in a commercial pesticide!!

Americanheart.org says that "Nicotine causes a short-term increase in blood pressure, heart rate and the flow of blood from the heart. It also causes the arteries to narrow. The smoke includes carbon monoxide, which reduces the amount of oxygen the blood can carry. This, combined with the nicotine effects, creates an imbalance between the demand for oxygen by the cells and the amount of oxygen the blood can supply."

Everyone who has seen Julia Robert's famous movie Erin Brockovich will remember the discussion she has with a college professor about hexavalent chromium. Chromium six which finds its way into the human body through cigarette smoke is responsible for causing cancer, respiratory diseases and irritation to the skin and eye.

Cocoa used in chocolates is harmless. But it is used in cigarettes to open up the lung more to the tobacco smoke. Another additive is ammonia which I'd like to remind the readers which in everyday life is used in solid and liquid fertilizers. One of the famous application of arsenic is as a rat poison. On normal occasions formaldehyde is used to embalm dead bodies, butane as jet fuel and carbon monoxide is an exhaust gas coming out of cars!! I clearly remember using liquid chromium during chemistry practicals in college to clean all the dirty testubes and beakers.

These are only some of the harmful chemicals. These and the rest of 570 additives can be viewed at http://quitsmoking.about.com/cs/nicotineinhaler/a/cigingredients.htm.

Let me leave you now with a picture comparing a normal lung with a smoker's lung.

And here is a picture of the what other organs that are affected by smoking:

PS: Hope all this puts off some people's addiction to smoking.

Where will you be 10 years from now?

I read an article Secret Tips from Smart CEOs in Sunday 29th April's Times of India which had some women achievers talk about the challenges that they face and how they keep themselves going. These were women who are in their forties and fifties except for one, Sulajja Firodia Motwani, who is just 36 years old.

This set me thinking. I turned 26 this year. Where will I be after a decade? What would I be doing? What would I have managed to achieve by then?

At some point or the other in school we are asked by our friends, teachers and parents "what do you want to become on growing up?" This question has a wide range of answers from wanting to be an engineer, doctor, scientist or astronaut to an actor, vet, lawyer, engine driver or teacher.

Having grown up I've realised that its not just enough to become something. There should be the desire to make a mark, to stand out, to be the best, to do great things, to better oneself.

Its a dream of mine to start a research institute in India which will be on par with places like ICTP, Italy. I would like the focus to be on research using theoretical and computational tools be it in chemistry, physics, biology or medicine. In NCL we are a small Theoretical Chemistry Group. JNCASR, Bangalore opened only a year ago in April 2006 the Centre for Computational Materials Science. Its time an institute catering to theoretical research was set up with the best of facilities, students and teachers with the drive and excitment to use those facilities and finally people with a passion and vision to run it.

Am I aiming too high? One should always do that the reason being that gravity will bring it down anyway. I'd read this somewhere.

I am hoping that in ten years time I would have started working towards this dream. But what about you? Where will you be 10 years from now?

Your dream vs your family

I saw a serial some days back in which the hero in order to decide whether he should marry the heroine or not asked her the following question. "If you had to choose between your family and your dreams what would you do?" The girl's answer is that she would never break the dreams of her family in order to fulfil her dreams.

This scene reminded me of a conversation between two of my friends that I heard while we were passing time at the Trichy railway station. One of them exclaimed "how can I leave my family who've been with me for 22 years, for someone whom I've got to know only for a short period of a year or two?"

The counter question by Ideh was "what if with this someone you would have ended up spending 30-35 years of your life?"

Life sure doesn't look like a box of chocolates to me. :p

Mom or Dad?

"Who do you like best? Mom or dad?"

I came across this question a day or two ago in the form of a posting written by a 10 year old girl on her blog http://www.bandmanagerlife.blogspot.com/.

The answer to the above query is this phrase which my sister and I had concocted some years ago - "both are better".

Whenever I would return from school and later on from college I would give my day's report to Mummy. If I went out with my friends to watch a film then she would have to listen to my complete scene by scene narration. I once made her hear out my whole project report on the work that I'd done during the one month holiday (after my second year of graduation) that I'd spent in NCL. Only when I came to the end that I realized Mummy hadn't followed a word of it but she never stopped me from going on and on.

I am very close to Daddy now. Its just him and me at home what with my sister settled in Bangalore and Mummy watching us from the clouds up above.

Daddy is my friend, philosopher and guide all rolled into one. I enjoy going out to see movies with him and even shopping. If I am in nabad (the IITB slang for a nervous breakdown/great tension) then I just have to pour my heart out to Daddy. He always manages to give me the correct advice which solves my problem right at that moment.

Putting all the above in a line: I have had and am still relishing the best of both the worlds. :)