I am currently at what is called in India "a marriagable age". I keep on receiving threats from my father about getting me married once every six months. But this year he is on a mission.
I remember that when I had returned to Pune after my elder sister's wedding reception in Bangalore I was happily declaring to everyone that I had finally found the city I wanted to settle down in. It was funny then but not any more since everyone has started considering the idea seriously. Earlier when some of my labmates would ask me if I would want to get married while doing my PhD my answer used to be yes (!!). These days this thought leaves me horrorstricken. I am smack in the middle of my research and I am praying not to find someone good too soon to come and make matters more difficult for me. On the flip side I am dying to know who this someone good is. A question that haunts me is "what kind of a boy am I looking for?". He should be someone in front of whom I won't care about acting silly. Someone with whom I'll feel at ease whether we are talking or just sitting quiet. Someone for whom my dreams and ambitions will hold a regard just as his. Someone who'll be supportive of what I want to achieve. Someone who'll push me to do better. Someone who wouldn't want me following him around all the time and give me the freedom to chart my own course. And someone who'll love me loads.
Some days back a friend of mine was saying that he felt these days more number of people are going for arranged marriages because of love marriages failing with the passing of a few years. But then there is the worry associated with not knowing your partner well enough in case of the former.
What I think is this. It doesn't really matter how you start. What matters is how you sustain it. Life is not easy. Every couple is confronted with difficult situations. There will be times calling for tough decisions to be made. On such occasions how well do the partners complement each other and how understanding they are? Do they stand up for or against each other? In the face of hardships can they laugh together? Do they have faith in each other? In the answers to these questions lies the key to a happy marriage.
I believe sharing and caring is all that is needed for love to grow.
9 comments:
How can you be sure, in an arranged marriage scenario, that you will be able to overcome all issues?
How do you answer all the questions posed in your post?
How do you share or care about someone without first understanding them?
How do u trust the one who u love?
how do u garantee that your beloved will not cheat on you later?
how do u ...
arranged or love marriage isnot the issue!!!
it's YOU!!!
if you can handle your life with your family,friends and ... then you may be able to do so in your future life.and remember,you must always be able to stand on your own knees,forget the rest!
and feel free to contact me,in case ;)))))))))))
So many questions for me to answer but i really don't know if i am going to succeed in this. anway. here goes...
@azahar
Firstly I am not comparing arranged marriages and love marriages. I am not saying that in one lies the solution to all problems.
Secondly, I am talking about a time say two years after marriage. I am assuming the initial period to be a rosey one. Sometimes people who are in love to start with stop caring later on. I guess when you begin thinking only about yourself, your needs without worrying about your partner's thats when answers to each of those questions becomes a negative.
@ideh
i don't know exactly how to answer your first question. you just trust the ones you love. but that is not a guarantee that you won't get hurt in the process. what is for sure is that you won't get hurt by someone who loves you back. :)
btw i did ask you to find someone for me. all you did was refer shaadi.com to me. hehehehe
NCLgirl (or should I call you by your real name?), I think you have the right set of questions to ask yourself when you are in a relation and you want to stay in it longer. But then the old and cliched question comes into the picture, "How do you get to know the answers to those questions if you don't know your partner long enough?". I don't have to tell you what my answer should be, at least, not after taking the plunge)!
My suggestion is: don't go for shaadi.com or set out in a mission to find the prince charming. You don't find someone trustworthy, you build the trust between yourselves; you don't find someone caring, you begin to care for each other; and you don't look for someone reliable, you rather start relying on each other. And that's what I call the budding of a good relationship.
Looking forward to hearing the good news soon! Good luck!
i disagree, the platform on which the marriage has been established (i.e. love or arranged) plays an important role.
Often in arranged marriages conflict resolution is given more importance than in love marriage.
Also it of course depends on the people involved, their experiences and their maturity levels.
If even one partner is not mentally and spiritually prepared for a married life then things well never work out.
In any case with experience and growth we tend to concentrate on important issues like trust, honesty and look for security. These often allow us to focus on important bits in a person and disregard the un-important bits.
Besides i also disagree with the golden period statement!!!
Many times marriages break up within the first year itself as the newly weds find out what it means to be married... ;)
The simplest way is to have a live in relation and figure out the person before u commit for life...
Kousik.. I would still call it as "finding". The kind of trust in, care for, reliance on the one with whom you've taken the plunge that you now have was probably not there when you first met her or may be you were unaware of its existence. You discovered it... found it over a period of time. What you call building and beginning I call finding.
The length of this time (that makes it long enough) is different for different people. For some it may be years, for you it might have been a months a few months while for me it could be just a day.
Finally the likes of shaadi.com are just modes of meeting people. No longer are decisions purely taken by parents. Many profiles on these sites are placed by boys and girls themselves. :D
seems a very serious discussion!!!!
from my side,marriage is very simple! if you have enough reasons to continue you will,under any condition.But dont forget as you know trust is something that must be there.without it you are finished.but if you have constructed your relationship based on that,the rest is in your hand!!!
You both should just learn and practice not to expect too much from each other,respect each other and appreciate each other.
Dont highlight the mistakes and do try to swallow many things.
as a woman,your part is more complicated and you will learn when you enter that world...
and you can comment on people's personality on the first glance for almost 60-70%.try it and improve,then you wont scare of whom you interacting with...
and dont forget I'll be there;))))))
I had wished that atleast one person will write "how cute" as a comment. But everyone's written serious stuff. Here's some more. :p
From all this discussion I've understood the following.
How you start off (love or arranged) is important. Trust and love make the backbone of a marriage. The time taken to find/build this depends on the natures of the two people in question. The understanding developed over the years will eventually make even the complicated situations appear not so complicated.
Loyalty, support, a good listening ear, a warm smile, a much needed hug... I don't think these are too much to expect.
Finally... I feel that one should not always swallow things otherwise people get the impression that you can take anything without complaint. One should not act tamed (using your fav word Azahar) but put up a fight on occasions that require that. :p
Now you are all set to rock-n-roll!! ;)
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